Skeleton of Amy Winehouse to kick off comeback tour

Ryan Brown

NEW YORK

After a much publicized divorce from husband Blake Fielder-Civil and recent charges of assaulting a fan, the emaciated corpse of Amy Winehouse has announced its plans to kick off a tour to promote its new in-production album.

The appalling figure, which used to resemble a buxom, vamp-ish blues singer, has announced that it plans to perform some 20 shows in the United States and another 30 in its home of Great Britain, reportedly in an effort to reclaim its tattered image of a drug-induced shitshow linked to several controversial trips to rehab and multiple cocaine, crack, methamphetamine, heroin, and horse tranquilizer busts.

Poll shows 97 percent of Americans have beautiful eyes during sex

Georgia Perry

BLOOMINGTON

A recent poll, conducted by Indiana University’s prestigious Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction found that, while in the light of day most Americans’ eyes are unremarkable, during sex 97 percent of the American population possesses eyes that can be described as “beautiful,” “stunning” and “like stars shimmering in the clear night sky.”

Apologies in the style of haiku

Jordan Bolyard and Georgia Perry

Remember when I
Made those grouper sandwiches?
Um, tilapia.

That one time that we
Got real drunk at your place, I
Stole your welcome mat.

Sorry I convinced
Your children you both died and
That it’s whatever.

Carl’s taco van (advertisement)

Andy McAlister

News about campus

Jordan Bolyard

BLOOMINGTON

4/22 An impromptu group of well-dressed young adults assembled at the stand of tables outside Laughing Planet to ascertain once and for all if fashion was dead, and if so, if it had been dead long enough to be revived ironically. When asked about the campus-wide trend of wearing colorful neck scarves, said one student with a derisive snort, “Hello, scarves were over forever ago, but it’s almost like nobody even noticed that we’ve been wearing them ironically for literally weeks.”

Bloomington is peanut crazy!

Andy McAlister

In an impromptu press conference late Wednesday night, Mayor Mark Kruzan settled a deep-rooted desire many Bloomington residents have petitioned years for.

 

“I have spoken with the city council and Governor Daniels,” said Kruzan.  “I can no longer ignore the countless voices crying out in need at this historic moment in time.  That is why, effective immediately, Walnut Street will officially be known as Peanut Street.”

Exclusive Q & A with Insomnia Cookie Van!!!

Daniel Robison

photos by Georgia Perry

The Robin:      Are you stoned?

Insomnia Cookie Van: No, yes.  No, I’m baked!

R:        (eating cookie)           

ICV:    Yeah, I’m stoned, okay?

R:        What do you do during the day?

ICV:    At my day job I’m the Monroe County Public Library Book Mobile. I drive around delivering books and spreading the joy of reading to the kids. Popular titles include Bernstein Bears, Little Women, Jon Benet: Fallen Princess and a VHS copy of Stuart Little 2.

Quiz: Which shitty Indiana town should you be from?!

Georgia Perry

1. Describe your dream home:

A) In a racially pure neighborhood convenient to both Big Lots and Menards.

B) Yo, bulletproof glass on them windows, hoes chilllin’ in the garage, Pop Tarts and 40’s in the kitchen.

C) One with ye roof made of fine shingles of red clay, say I!

D) A cute cul-de-sac number, like all the houses around here.

E) Includes numerous gracious amenities such as a business center, tennis courts, and wireless internet access (for a surcharge).

Area teen discovers nature of god, afterlife in dorm room

Jordan Bolyard

MUNCIE, IN

Ball State second-year freshman Luke Hinkel drew surprisingly little attention on campus with the dramatic results of his most recent battery of biochemical experiments, which he claims were “informed by the University’s curriculum,” but were independently funded and carried out. Though the tall, lanky youth affected a calm demeanor, his wild eyes betrayed his excitement as he announced to the small, bleary-eyed crowd gathered in the hall outside his dorm late last night that he had “seen God, demons, and the afterlife,” and “finally understands why all of you are here.”

American Girl to release first transsexual doll, E.J.

Ryan Brown

NEW YORK

American Girl, Inc. announced its plans last Thursday to launch its newest line of progressive girls’ fictional character campaigns, transsexual f-to-m 8 year-old, E.J.

David Sorman, CEO of the relevant-period-of-US-history-turned-doll empire, announced the early April release date of the first installment of the product line’s narrative books, Meet E.J., which recounts the tale of the juvenile post-op E.J. Parker, who lives in the years 1994-1998 and deals with common girl issues, like dealing with facial hair and making the rugby team.