Skeleton of Amy Winehouse to kick off comeback tour
Published August 6, 2009 Uncategorized Leave a CommentRyan Brown
NEW YORK
After a much publicized divorce from husband Blake Fielder-Civil and recent charges of assaulting a fan, the emaciated corpse of Amy Winehouse has announced its plans to kick off a tour to promote its new in-production album.
The appalling figure, which used to resemble a buxom, vamp-ish blues
singer, has announced that it plans to perform some 20 shows in the United States and another 30 in its home of Great Britain, reportedly in an effort to reclaim its tattered image of a drug-induced shitshow linked to several controversial trips to rehab and multiple cocaine, crack, methamphetamine, heroin, and horse tranquilizer busts.
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Poll shows 97 percent of Americans have beautiful eyes during sex
Published June 26, 2009 News 1 CommentGeorgia Perry
BLOOMINGTON
A recent poll, conducted by Indiana University’s prestigious Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction found that, while in the light of day most Americans’ eyes are unremarkable, during sex 97 percent of the American population possesses eyes that can be described as “beautiful,” “stunning” and “like stars shimmering in the clear night sky.”
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Jordan Bolyard and Georgia Perry
Remember when I
Made those grouper sandwiches?
Um, tilapia.
That one time that we
Got real drunk at your place, I
Stole your welcome mat.
Sorry I convinced
Your children you both died and
That it’s whatever.
Andy McAlister

Jordan Bolyard
BLOOMINGTON
4/22 An impromptu group of well-dressed young adults assembled at the stand of tables outside Laughing Planet to ascertain once and for all if fashion was dead, and if so, if it had been dead long enough to be revived ironically. When asked about the campus-wide trend of wearing colorful neck scarves, said one student with a derisive snort, “Hello, scarves were over forever ago, but it’s almost like nobody even noticed that we’ve been wearing them ironically for literally weeks.”
Andy McAlister
In an impromptu press conference late Wednesday night, Mayor Mark Kruzan settled a deep-rooted desire many Bloomington residents have petitioned years for.
“I have spoken with the city council and Governor Daniels,” said Kruzan. “I can no longer ignore the countless voices crying out in need at this historic moment in time. That is why, effective immediately, Walnut Street will officially be known as Peanut Street.”
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Daniel Robison
photos by Georgia Perry
The Robin: Are you stoned?
Insomnia Cookie Van: No, yes. No, I’m baked!
R: (eating cookie)
ICV: Yeah, I’m stoned, okay?
R: What do you do during the day?
ICV: At my day job I’m the Monroe County Public Library Book Mobile. I drive around delivering books and spreading the joy of reading to the kids. Popular titles include Bernstein Bears, Little Women, Jon Benet: Fallen Princess and a VHS copy of Stuart Little 2.

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Quiz: Which shitty Indiana town should you be from?!
Published April 29, 2009 Features Leave a CommentGeorgia Perry
1. Describe your dream home:
A) In a racially pure neighborhood convenient to both Big Lots and Menards.
B) Yo, bulletproof glass on them windows, hoes chilllin’ in the garage, Pop Tarts and 40’s in the kitchen.
C) One with ye roof made of fine shingles of red clay, say I!
D) A cute cul-de-sac number, like all the houses around here.
E) Includes numerous gracious amenities such as a business center, tennis courts, and wireless internet access (for a surcharge).
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Area teen discovers nature of god, afterlife in dorm room
Published April 28, 2009 News Leave a CommentJordan Bolyard
MUNCIE, IN
Ball State second-year freshman Luke Hinkel drew surprisingly little attention on campus with the dramatic results of his most recent battery of biochemical experiments, which he claims were “informed by the University’s curriculum,” but were independently funded and carried out. Though the tall, lanky youth affected a calm demeanor, his wild eyes betrayed his excitement as he announced to the small, bleary-eyed crowd gathered in the hall outside his dorm late last night that he had “seen God, demons, and the afterlife,” and “finally understands why all of you are here.”
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