Daniel Robison
photos by Georgia Perry
The Robin: Are you stoned?
Insomnia Cookie Van: No, yes. No, I’m baked!
R: (eating cookie)
ICV: Yeah, I’m stoned, okay?
R: What do you do during the day?
ICV: At my day job I’m the Monroe County Public Library Book Mobile. I drive around delivering books and spreading the joy of reading to the kids. Popular titles include Bernstein Bears, Little Women, Jon Benet: Fallen Princess and a VHS copy of Stuart Little 2.
R: Why do you work two jobs…burning it at both ends?
ICV: lol
R: Let me rephrase. When does this self-described “insomniac” sleep, so to speak?
ICV: Listen, not only do I believe in the transformative power of literacy among our young people, I’m also tryin’ to sell some dumb sluts some fuckin’ cookies.
R: You park outside Kilroy’s, don’t you?
ICV: Yeah. I parked outside the Vid once but they wanted me to put cigarette butts in their cookies as a topping and plus how can I compete with Taco Bell and that Greek’s Pizza caboose piece-of-shit so close by? Outside Kilroy’s all I have to deal with is Noodles [and Co.] and who wants Roasted Thai Peanut Linguine at 3 in the morning? Easiest shit in the world.
R: Some have criticized the practice, saying its taking advantage of a vulnerable group of people when their better sense and judgment is impaired…
ICV: I don’t sell cookies, man. I’m not in the cookie business. I sell the American Dreams and sex. You want the cure for the drunk munchies? Take a look inside, junior. What do you do? What have you done with your life? I’m an entrepreneur who has a degree in management from the University of Phoenix online.
R: What do you do in your free time?
ICV: Sometimes I browse CDs at Tracks or grab a bite at FARM with my boys R.J., Silver, and Fat Ron, plus my girl Rita.
R: Where do you buy your weed?
ICV: I get high. I’m high right now. I only smoke the stickiest green tree in all of B-Town. Came to this interview retarded because I don’t give a fuck. I’m the Insomnia Cookie Van.
R: Where do you see yourself in 10 years?
ICV: Hopefully on the open road. Just free, man. Doing my music or watercolors out west, you know? Kerouac shit, man. Katrina was a huge wake-up call for our country. Tryin’ to do my part. Went to a Peace Corps call out meeting with my friend Tammy. No stress. (pauses) No drama in ‘09.
R: What’s the secret ingredient in Insomnia cookies? Why are you so popular?
ICV: That’s a great question. You mean how do I get people to pay a dollar for a greasy-ass cookie when they could just go to Kroger and buy a whole log of dough or a box of circus cookies for almost the same price?
R: How has the recession hurt business?
ICV: It’s a grind. No lie. Sometimes I just gotta smoke and get my nut on, hang in People’s Park and sell some damn cookies. Everybody’s cutting back but my hustle is cookies, dawg. The more people hate themselves, the more cookies I sell. So my cup overfloweth. And the more cookies they eat, the more they hate themselves and buy more cookies. So life’s tits right now…
R: Do you have your Soulja Boy tix yet?
ICV: Hell, nah. Bout to see Luda[cris]!
R: Did you vote?
ICV: I voted for the white guy.
R: Obama?
ICV: Yeah.
YAY!
FUCK INSOMNIA! I worked there for over 100 hours and didnt get paid a single penny!