Poll shows 97 percent of Americans have beautiful eyes during sex

Georgia Perry

BLOOMINGTON

A recent poll, conducted by Indiana University’s prestigious Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender and Reproduction found that, while in the light of day most Americans’ eyes are unremarkable, during sex 97 percent of the American population possesses eyes that can be described as “beautiful,” “stunning” and “like stars shimmering in the clear night sky.”

When interviewed in a Kinsey Institute lab Friday afternoon, IU graduate student in Philosophy Jared Sanders described his girlfriend of one month’s eyes as “grayish.” However, when recorded during sex Sanders told his girlfriend, IU sophomore Kayla Puckett, that her eyes were “mesmerizing” and said that they were so deep that they were sending chills down his spine. He also indicated that they “felt like home” and asked her if it would be all right if he just looked into them for a while.

Kinsey Institute’s sensors reported no signs of actual chills on Sanders’ spine.

A related poll also found that 100 percent of obese Americans have beautiful bodies during sex, and that 98.6 percent of American women are fascinating and hilarious before the first instance of intercourse with a new partner.