Ryan Brown
NEW YORK
After a much publicized divorce from husband Blake Fielder-Civil and recent charges of assaulting a fan, the emaciated corpse of Amy Winehouse has announced its plans to kick off a tour to promote its new in-production album.
The appalling figure, which used to resemble a buxom, vamp-ish blues 
singer, has announced that it plans to perform some 20 shows in the United States and another 30 in its home of Great Britain, reportedly in an effort to reclaim its tattered image of a drug-induced shitshow linked to several controversial trips to rehab and multiple cocaine, crack, methamphetamine, heroin, and horse tranquilizer busts.
“A lot of people have been saying nasty things about me that are mostly true,” the withered shell of a former human told reporters last Tuesday from her vacation home in the Caribbean island of St. Lucia. “But one thing that will always stay constant is my performance as a singer, and I want to show the fans that I’m still capable of doing what I do best.” The skeleton’s giant, hollow-set eyes lit up as its puckered-in mouth added, “Regardless of Blake incarcerated and whoever else.”
Because many fans are skeptical as to whether or not Winehouse’s ghastly wisp of a body can handle the kind of pressure a 50-show tour has presented it in the past, pre-sale tickets have been low. Several fans have even posted suggestions that it wouldn’t show up to any concerts on the eerie, Dorian Gray-esque figure’s fan page.
“Ten bucks says that thing resembling a Q-tip with a giant beehive on top of it will cancel it before the tour even starts!” one fan grumbled on corpseofamywinehouse.com. Others still are confused by the idea of the sickly-looking phantom’s touring to promote an album that isn’t near release any time soon.
While there is much speculation and controversy surrounding the tour, and even more surrounding the malnourished, tattered, and generally eroded ghoul itself, the figure’s reps claim it is ahead of schedule on its upcoming album and is certain to give the tour of a lifetime.
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