American Girl to release first transsexual doll, E.J.

Ryan Brown

NEW YORK

American Girl, Inc. announced its plans last Thursday to launch its newest line of progressive girls’ fictional character campaigns, transsexual f-to-m 8 year-old, E.J.

David Sorman, CEO of the relevant-period-of-US-history-turned-doll empire, announced the early April release date of the first installment of the product line’s narrative books, Meet E.J., which recounts the tale of the juvenile post-op E.J. Parker, who lives in the years 1994-1998 and deals with common girl issues, like dealing with facial hair and making the rugby team.

Area man neglects to prominently display Sedaris book at party

William Saint

BLOOMINGTON

According to party attendees, English majorArthur Hill was visibly distraught halfway through his party after realizing he had forgot to place a David Sedaris book on his coffee table. Hill had debated for days which of Sedaris’ works would underscore his paradoxical view of the world and had decided Holidays on Ice would be just ironic enough for a Spring get-together. Once he realized his mistake, Hill quickly switched from Antony and the Johnsons’ new album, The Crying Light, to Nilsson Schmilsson, in hopes of softening the emanation of loneliness and longing that his planted hardcover, Jude the Obscure, was exuding from his coffee table. Fellow English major? Claire Vukovich was enamored by the presence of Jude the Obscure, but did not feel Hill had the balance of trendy tastes she was looking for. “I totally would have stayed after the party and hooked up with him, but unfortunately I wasn’t truly convinced he understood popular contemporary facetiousness. Knowing that Harry Nilsson’s Coconut uses just one chord the entire song isn’t enough. Perhaps if he had said he voted for Colbert’s name to be placed on that NASA node thing I would have at least made out with him for a few minutes.”

IU student dies of senioritis

Andy McAlister

BLOOMINGTON

IU Student Mark Bates, known to his friends as “Arms,” died Tuesday night from a sudden and severe case of Senioritis, according to friend and roommate Rob Pfledderman. The 22 year-old was a telecommunications major.

“Man, Arms was awesome and he was always down for a shot or whatever, just a game or the TV, you know, whatever,” said Pfledderman. “He hated school though, you know, when he went.”

Takin’ a stab at the “Web!”

Andy McAlister

By Lydia

Hey gang—Lydia here! Listen, I don’t have long to chit-chat. I’ve got two palm readings this afternoon and an aromatherapy session later at the YWCA—all the way in Greenwood! Boy, my life!

Well, first off, you all know I’m not much of a computer-fan. My life on the web mostly consists of surfing for pics of Dylan McDermott (“Safe-Search” definitely on!!!), as well as the occasional click-over to Lane Bryant. (To my big-girls out there: their denim’s looking really cute right about now!) My galpal Jill says I really need to catch up with the times and hook up to the Wifi network. (Hey! She’s the one who hasn’t seen a Mike Myers movie since “Austin Powers!”)

I am so serious, you guys

Ryan Brown

By Lindsay Lohan

You guys, I am for real serious. The ime has come to clear alligators that have been circulating about my passing out at work and stuff, and that’s it’s been affecting my actressing. You guys, that’s just NOT TRUE.

I stoped elementary school, that’s how serious I am about this. And just because some ASHOLE calls me fire-crotch outsid a club doesn’t mean people will stop watching me in movies. I’m NOT poor, and I’m NOT a bad actress.

Mid-March survey finds Bloomington is 90 percent Asian

Scott Leadingham

BLOOMINGTON

A recent population survey of Midwestern towns casts doubt on Bloomington’s claim of a racially diverse population. The nonprofit Demography and Population Research Center announced this week it estimates the city’s population as 50 percent Japanese and 40 percent Korean.

City officials were surprised by the results, which indicate far fewer Caucasian, Latino and African American residents than once thought.

Super Toy Run winner “should have gone for Sega Game Gear”

William Saint

MERRILLVILLE, IND.

Home for Spring Break, Ergonomics major, Blaine Neeland, lamented the choices he had made during his 1993 Nickelodeon Toys R Us Super Toy Run while sifting through an old box of toys. “Game Gears were just two aisles over from all this Jurassic Park crap. Why oh why did I grab so many Dennis Nedry action figures? They don’t look anything like Wayne Knight!” Toy Run Host, Mike O’Malley, recalled Neeland’s 1993 Toy Run. “Seriously… What the hell was wrong with him? The kid was going for Koosh Balls and roller blading wrist guards. One of the producers was laughing so hard, she fell over and busted up a yellow Power Rangers standee. ” Neeland had also hoped the Hasbro Andre the Giant action figures he grabbed would be worth some money when he had grown up, since the WWF star had passed away that year, but sadly he traded them in for various expensive POGS in 1995. According to sources, Neeland was teased for years by schoolmates for his Toy Run performance. In high school, Neeland even sent Nickelodeon a letter requesting that he should be the winner of “Nick Takes Over Your School” to help ease the pain of his substandard effort. Nickelodeon representatives notified the then seventeen-year-old high school junior that Nick is the place where only kids win.

Facebook adds “fuck this” feature

Georgia Perry

THE INTERNET

In addition to the many updates Facebook has made in recent weeks, including the addition of the “I like” feature, miniature profile photos with aesthetically pleasing rounded edges, and an ever-updating News Feed, a new feature was added this week for Facebook’s more pessimistic users.

The “fuck this” feature allows users to respond to their friends’ photos, status updates, comments and anything else in a way that lets their friends know they do not approve. While the “I Like” feature displays a thumbs up icon alongside the suggestion for users to “like” certain things, the “fuck this” feature displays a tiny fist sticking up its middle finger and the phrase “fuck this.”

My bracket is so titties!

Dan Haddad

Check this shit out dude! CHECK! THIS! SHIT! OUT! My Bracket is the titties man, I told you I’d have the best pick bro. You know it, you know it. I called the upsets dude. I fucking CALLED THEM! I mean lets face it I mean everyone knows that the Hilltoppers play awesome D that forced those little Illini pussies to make mistakes around the perimeter which caused them to go down. Big time! I’m sure you knew that though. Oh wait you didn’t? You didn’t know that the this was the most probable 5^th seed team to go down in the first round? Do your fucking research then you dumb fuck! I swear to God you can be so retarded sometimes. Dude are you fucking insane.

Police discover brutal, nonorganic violence

William Saint

BLOOMINGTON

An investigation by Bloomington Police has unearthed a brutal twenty-three year battle between Bloomingfoods and Sahara Mart, two local organic groceries.

The investigation began after a Soma barista, Willow Price, noticed her four- year-old daughter, Patches Cassiopeia Price, enjoyed her organic breakfast purchased at Bloomingfoods for the first time.