News about campus

Jordan Bolyard

BLOOMINGTON

4/22 An impromptu group of well-dressed young adults assembled at the stand of tables outside Laughing Planet to ascertain once and for all if fashion was dead, and if so, if it had been dead long enough to be revived ironically. When asked about the campus-wide trend of wearing colorful neck scarves, said one student with a derisive snort, “Hello, scarves were over forever ago, but it’s almost like nobody even noticed that we’ve been wearing them ironically for literally weeks.”

4/24 Mayor Mark Kruzan announced on Friday that he is currently considering greenlighting a multi-million dollar public works project to improve Bloomington’s sidewalks, ridding them of any and all cracks, bumps, and uneven patches capable of catching on the heel of a stiletto. Several sororities and their sympathetic fraternities have come out in support of the action, voicing appreciation for Kruzan “getting to the true root cause of over 25,200 outdoor injuries a year.” Kruzan intends to focus especially on the sidewalks outside of Sports, Japanee, Kilroys on Kirkwood, Yogi’s, and the neighborhood of Smallwood. Said one Delta Kappa Epsilon fraternity brother, “This couldn’t come too soon. Dude, every time my girl knocks out one of her teeth I gotta go a whole fucking week without a blow job.”

4/26 The president of the university’s Korean Club, Dong-jung Lee, is pleased to announce that he has finally invented a successful strategy for telling white people apart. “If you look very carefully, you will notice that, while the rest of their features seem nearly identical, white people carry a wide variety of different haircuts—it’s just an issue of remembering who has what.” Lee says the method was inspired by American animation’s use of distinctive hair cuts, citing specifically the main characters in Family Guy: “They give the man short hair, the woman long hair, and you can tell the boys apart because one wears a hat.” Lee intends to explain his methods to the rest of his club, in order to make it easier to remember the names of the white students, faculty, Starbucks baristas and food delivery couriers they must occasionally interact with outside of their community, but adds that “another strategy would need to be developed if, for some reason, we were ever forced to interact with black people.”

4/29 IU President Dr. Michael McRobbie, addressing a group of parents of prospective students outside of Memorial Hall, reiterated the importance of IU’s policy as one of the nation’s only smoke-free campuses. After fielding what seemed to be an endless stream of concerned questions, the answers of which had to be repeated several times to be heard over the wind, he wrapped up the address, telling the parents that “the volunteer Smoke-Free Campus Task Force will continue to apply the considerable disciplinary sanctions at their disposal, ranging from willful ignorance and disapproving frowns to, in the most serious of cases, the deployment of overly theatrical coughs and timid, usually incoherent variations on the phrase, ‘Smoking is bad for you’ delivered in passing, while still adhering to their pledge to remain one-hundred-percent costless.” After we were unable to track down anyone affiliated with the Smoke-Free Campus Task Force, McRobbie admitted that he “may have made up that name,” but declined to comment further.